133 Timeless & Slapstick Witty Quotes | Positive Thinking Mind

Need to get your brain moving and think of something witty? These witty quotes and witty sayings will fire you up and give an amazing one liner back to the other person.

There’s even a bit of slapstick humor in these ingenious witty quotes that are surprisingly entetaining.

Witty Quotes

A skunk is better company than a person who prides himself on being ‘frank’.
Robert Heinlein

Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.

Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life.
Confucius

Take my advice — I’m not using it.

Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Related Quotes:

He who wrestles with us, strengthens our nerves and sharpens our skills. Our antagonist is our helper.
Edmund Burke

If Plan A doesn’t work, the alphabet has 25 more letters. Keep calm.

If you’re not failing every now and again, it’s a sign you’re not doing anything very innovative.
Woody Allen

If you cannot convince them, confuse them.

It is not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change.
Charles Darwin

It’s never too late to have a happy childhood.
Tom Robbins

Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.

Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated.
Confucius

Oh yes? Can you identify yourself? Certainly. I’d know me anywhere.
Terry Pratchett

Rhetoric abounds in the cemeteries of reason.
Miguel Queah

The best way to destroy an enemy is to make him a friend.
Abraham Lincoln

I am not arguing. I am simply explaining why I’m right.

The man who does not read books has no advantage over the man that can not read them.
Mark Twain

The reward of a thing done well is to have done it.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

To be able to ask a question clearly is two-thirds of the way to getting it answered.
John Ruskin

To improve is to change. To be perfect is to change often.
Winston Churchill

We live in an age where pizza gets to your home before police.

We don’t see things as they are. We see them as we are.
Anais Nin

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.
Oscar Wilde

We tend to get what we expect.
Norman Vincent Peale

You can’t build a reputation on what you’re going to do.
Henry Ford

Quotes For People Who Are Witty

If money doesn’t grow on trees why do bank have branches?

She has all of the virtues I despise, and none of the vices I admire.
Winston Churchill

Man is the only living being who cuts trees, makes paper, and writes “SAVE TREES” on it.

Common sense is not so common.

Work in silence, let your success speak.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Change is good, but dollars are better.

Want to know something really subversive? Love is everything it’s cracked up to be. It’s really worth fighting for — risking everything for. And the trouble is — if you don’t risk anything, you risk even more.
Erica Jong

The important thing to remember is not to forget.
Benny Bellamacina

Maturity involves turning an insult into a feedback.
Aniekee Tochukwu Ezekiel

No-one can make you feel inferior without your permission.
Eleanor Roosevelt

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.

A grieving woman could sit alone on a jetty in the early morning. But not with a book in her hands.
Pia Juul

Arguing with a fool proves there are two.
Doris M. Smith

Don’t be too timid and squeamish about your actions. All life is an experiment.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

I don’t let go of concepts –I meet them with understanding. Then they let go of me.
Byron Katie

The greatest risk is to risk nothing at all.

I am not fat, I am just easier to see.

Failure teaches success.

You will never find time for anything. You must make it.
Charles Buxton

The problem with a life spent reading is you know too much.
Josh Lanyon

Witty Quotes For Instagram

Every man is the architect of his own fortune.

A true friend overlooks your failures and tolerates your success!
Doug Larson

A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who, however, has never learned how to walk forward.
Franklin D. Roosevelt

The only way to have a friend is to be one.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Whether you think you can or think you can’t, you’re right.
Henry Ford

One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory.
Rita Mae Brown

It takes a long time to grow an old friend.
John Leonard

It is far better to be alone, than to be in bad company.
George Washington

There is an element of seduction in shoes that doesn’t exist for men. A woman can be sexy, charming, witty or shy with her shoes.
Christian Louboutin

What gets measured gets managed.
Peter Drucker

You know, you’re rather amusingly wrong.
Terry Pratchett

If you steal from one author, it’s plagiarism; if you steal from many, its research.

Witty Short Quotes

Wise people think all they say, fools say all they think.

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

I don’t have a bad handwriting. I have my own font.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make a mistake.
Elbert Hubbard

Learning to ignore things is one of the great paths to inner peace.
Robert J. Sawyer

If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
Mark Twain

I not only use all the brains I have, but all that I can borrow.
Woodrow Wilson

Do your own thinking independently. Be the chess player, not the chess piece.
Ralph Charell

An ounce of action is worth a ton of theory.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

A person with a sharp tongue will eventually cut themselves.
J. Robson Koenig

Action will destroy your procrastination.
Og Mandino

Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.
William Shakespeare

Dreams don’t work unless you do.
John C. Maxwell

Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.

All is well that ends.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

A bad plan is better than no plan.

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.

The smallest changes make the biggest difference.

Hard work has a future payoff. – Laziness pays off now.

When I die cremate me so I can finally fit into something small.
Xondra Day

The highest form of ignorance is when you reject something you don’t know anything about.
Wayne Dyer

Playing it safe is the riskiest choice we can ever make.
Sarah Ban Breathnach

I’ll go anywhere as long as it’s forward
David Livingstone

Dreams have only one owner at a time. That’s why dreamers are lonely.
Erma Bombeck

Ask me no questions, and I’ll tell you no fibs.
Oliver Goldsmith

A painting is worth a thousand confused art-gallery visitors.
Ljupka Cvetanova

A word of kindness is seldom spoken in vain, while witty sayings are as easily lost as the pearls slipping from a broken string.
George Dennison Prentice

Friends Witty Quotes

Friends are like melons; shall I tell you why? To find a good one, you must one hundred try.
Claude Mermet

It is not what you gather but what you scatter that tells what kind of life you have lived.
Helen Walton

Pride only helps us to be generous; it never makes us so, any more than vanity makes us witty.
George Eliot

They sit there in committees day after day, And they each put in a color and it comes out gray. And we all have heard the saying, which is true as well as witty, That a camel is a horse that was designed by a committee.
Allan Sherman

Men are the sport of circumstances when it seems circumstances are the sport of men.
Lord Byron

War does not determine who is right – only who is left.

There is never a better measure of what a person is than what he does when he’s absolutely free to choose.
William M. Bulger

I fell in love at first sight. I should have looked twice.

Genius is one percent inspiration, ninety-nine percent perspiration.
Thomas Alva Edison

When your only tool is a hammer, all problems start looking like nails.

Courtship is to marriage, as a very witty prologue to a very dull play.
William Congreve

Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.

If an apology is followed by an excuse or a reason, it means they are going to commit same mistake again they just apologized for.
Amit Kalantri

Opportunity isn’t knocking coz you haven’t built the doors yet.

Failure is not falling down, it is not getting up again.

Act as if what you do makes a difference. It does.
William James

Faced with the choice between changing one’s mind and proving that there is no need to do so, almost everyone gets busy on the proof.
John Kenneth Galbraith

Magnify you Skills…or else modify your Goals.

People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.

If the music’s too loud you’re too old.

Famous Witty Quotes

The problem human beings face is not that we aim too high and fail, but that we aim too low and succeed.
Michelangelo

I suppose it is tempting, if the only tool you have is a hammer, to treat everything as if it were a nail.
Abraham Maslow

Don’t worry about people stealing an idea. If it’s original, you will have to ram it down their throats.
Howard Aiken

All progress has resulted from people who took unpopular positions.
Adlai E. Stevenson

So just let me deal with it, I can be emotionally flawed and still love you all at the same time. I’m a great multi-tasker.
Holly Hood

There is nothing so useless as doing efficiently that which should not be done.
Peter Drucker

If everything seems to be coming your way, you’re probably in the wrong lane.

The worst distance between two people is misunderstanding.

Every habit makes our hand more witty, and out wit more handy.
Friedrich Nietzsche

A true friend is someone who is there for you when he’d rather be anywhere else.
Len Wein

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

When Harry Met Sally Witty Quotes

What I’m saying is–and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form–is that men and women can’t be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.

There are two kinds of women: high maintenance and low maintenance.

The truth is that men don’t want to be friends with women. Men know they don’t understand women, and they don’t much care. They want women as lovers, as wives, as mothers, but they’re not really interested in them as friends. They have friends. Men are their friends. And they talk to their male friends about sports, and I have no idea what else.

What they could do to make it easier is combine the two. You know, Mr. Kline died yesterday, leaving behind a wife, two children, and a spacious three-bedroom apartment with a wood-burning fireplace.

I can’t do this anymore, I am not your consolation prize. Goodbye.

But I’d like the pie heated and I don’t want the ice cream on top, I want it on the side and I’d like strawberry instead of vanilla if you have it, if not then no ice cream, just whipped cream but only if it’s real, if it’s out of a can then nothing.

I’ll have what she’s having.

Nothing. It’s just that all men are sure it never happened to them and all women at one time or other have done it so you do the math.

We’re talking dream dates compared to my horror. It started out fine, she’s a very nice person, and we’re sitting and we’re talking at this Ethiopian restaurant that she wanted to go to. And I was making jokes, you know like, ‘Hey I didn’t know that they had food in Ethiopia? This will be a quick meal. I’ll order two empty plates and we can leave.

You know how a year to a person is like seven years to a dog?