65 funny sayings to brighten up your day and make you laugh. These hilarious sayings are full of humor and wisdom.
A fact of life: After Monday and Tuesday even the calendar says W T F …
There should be a weather app for people with social anxiety, like, “Today, Walmart will be partly crowdy with a 70% chance of people you know”.
Alcohol! Because no great story started with someone eating a salad.
Most of the time… when you’re crying, nobody notices your tears. Most of the time… when you’re worried, nobody feels your pain. Most of the time… when you’re happy, nobody sees your smile. But when you fart just one time…
The ideal man doesn’t smoke, doesn’t drink, doesn’t do drugs, doesn’t swear, doesn’t get angry, doesn’t exist.
Life is short, smile while you still have teeth.
Some people just need a High-five. In the face. With a chair.
The best therapist has fur and four legs.
I do all my ironing in the dryer.
You never realize what you have until it’s gone. Toilet paper is a good example.
I finally realized that people are prisoners of their phones… that’s why it’s called a “cell” phone.
I’m not clumsy, The floor just hates me, the table and chairs are bullies and the walls get in my way.
You can’t have everything, where would you put it?
I am on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.
Likes I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Me? Crazy? I should get down off this unicorn and slap you.
I’m not weird, I am Limited Edition.
I need something that’s more than coffee but less than cocaine.
Me and my bed are perfect for each other, but my alarm clock keeps trying to break us up.
I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.
Doing nothing is hard, you never know when you’re done.
My wallet is like an onion. When I open it, it makes me cry…
9 year olds that have iPhones, iPads and laptops. When I was 9 I felt cool with my new markers…
It takes real skill to choke on air, fall up stairs and trip over completely nothing. I have that skill…
My brain has too many tabs open.
I’m not lazy, I’m just very relaxed.
Don’t worry if plan A fails, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet.
My goal this weekend is to move… just enough so people don’t think I’m dead.
My friend, remember that without stupidity there wouldn’t be intelligence, and without ugliness there wouldn’t be beauty, so the world needs you after all.
I’m not clumsy! The floor just hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way.
I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades
If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer…
A cookie a day keeps the sadness away. An entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.
Dear Karma, I have a list of people you missed.
Common Sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.
You know you are getting old when the candles on your birthday cake start to cost more than the cake itself.
It may look like I’m doing nothing, but in my head I’m quite busy.
A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand.
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
Alcohol doesn’t solve any problem, but neither does milk.
Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it’s a beautiful day.
Life’s better in flip flops.
If you think nothing is impossible, try slamming a revolving door.
Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die.
Likes I am on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.
If you’re not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator?
The best part of going to work is coming back home at the end of the day.
The road to success is always under construction.
Don’t tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon.
God created the world, everything else is made in China.
If people are talking behind your back, just fart.
When nothing is going right, go left.
Likes I would like to thank my arms for always being by my side, my legs for always supporting me, and my fingers, because I can always count on them.
I just wanted you to know that somebody cares. Not me, but somebody does.
Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that people who have the most live the longest.
I’d like to help you out today. Which way did you come in?
Don’t you wish they made a clap on clap off device for some peoples mouths?
When the past comes knocking, don’t answer. It has nothing new to tell you.
If you don’t succeed at first, hide all evidence that you tried.
Children in the back seat cause accidents, accidents in the back seat cause children!
If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of bank payments.
If you do a job too well, you’ll get stuck with it.
Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected expected?
Likes Laughter is like a windshield wiper, it doesn’t stop the rain but allows us to keep going.
I’m gonna order a pizza 5 minutes before the new year, then when it arrives I’ll say I ordered this last year.