Funny Life Quotes And Sayings To Make You Laugh
Need a good laugh? Our amazing list of funny life quotes and funny sayings will make you laugh out loud.
Laughing helps keep stress levels down, lowers your blood pressure, and makes you feel good.
Having a positive attitude and thinking positive allows you to approach bad times more productively, and having a good laugh helps put your mindset on the right path.
Reading funny quotes will motivate you to get moving and be happier.
Accept the good and the bad in your life, and enjoy some humorous quotes.
After you are done, please see our collection of Inspirational Ram Dass Quotes.
Funny Quotes
I tried to be normal once. Worst two minutes of my life.
Unknown
Some days I amaze myself. Other days I put my keys in the fridge.
Unknown
Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.
Unknown
Related Reading: 60 Cute Life Quotes
You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not an avocado.
Unknown
Taking naps sounds so childish. I prefer to call them horizontal life pauses.
Unknown
When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.
Cathy Guisewite
Don’t take life too seriously. You’ll never get out of it alive.
Elbert Hubbard
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Abraham Lincoln
I won’t quit but I will cuss the whole time.
Unknown
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
Winston S Churchill
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.
Mark Twain
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Alan Dundes
What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
Rodney Dangerfield
Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.
Albert Einstein
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Funny Life Quotes
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
Jim Carey
If I cut you off, chances are, you handed me the scissors.
Unknown
War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.
Ambrose Bierce
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
Andy Rooney
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
Woody Allen
You know what I like most about people? Pets.
Jarod Kintz
If size really mattered, the elephant would be the king of the jungle.
Unknown
Life is like a roll of toilet paper; hopefully long and useful, but it always ends at the wrong moment.
Rudyh
“Never trust people who smile constantly. They’re either selling something or not very bright.
Laurell K. Hamilton
Every time you are able to find humor in a difficult situation, you win.
Unknown
You attract what you fear.’ Oh my God, I’m scared of $10.6 Billion.
Unknown
If A is success in life, then A is equal to X plus Y plus Z. Work is X; Y is play; and Z – keeping your mouth shut.
Albert Einstein
Funny Sayings
Life is the art of drawing without an eraser.
Unknown
A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often.
Oliver Herford
Life status: currently holding it all together with one bobby pin.
Unknown
At every party there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
Ann Landers
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
Mark Twain
I love deadlines, I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
Douglas Adams
If you fall, I’ll be there.
Floor
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Benjamin Franklin
You may not always end up where you thought you were going, But you will always end up where you were meant to be.
Jessica Taylor
I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.
Winston S Churchill
Story of my life: I knew better but I did it anyway.
Unknown
Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.
Betty White
Quotes To Make You Laugh
But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.
Carl Sagan
Hold on, I’ve gotta overthink about it.
Unknown
He who laughs last didn’t get the joke.
Charles de Gaulle
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile from them, and you’ll have their shoes.
Jack Handey
I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.
Charles Lamb
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
Phyllis Diller
The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs…one step at a time.
Joe Girard
High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead.
Christopher Morley
My alone time is sometimes for your safety.
Unknown
Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.
Groucho Marx
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
Rodney Dangerfield
Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead.
Charles Bukowski
I’m too drunk to taste this chicken.
Colonel Sanders
Some days you eat salads and go to the gym, some days you eat cupcakes and refuse to put on pants. Its called balance.
Unknown
Two wrongs don’t make a right, but they make a good excuse.
Thomas Stephen Szasz
The best things in life will either make you fat, drunk, or pregnant.
Unknown
A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: ‘Duh.
Conan O’Brien
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein
Stop worrying about the world ending today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia.
Charles M. Schulz
Life Quotes
If you can’t live without me, why aren’t you dead already?
Cynthia Heimel
No matter how big a hammer you use, you can’t pound common sense into stupid people.”
Unknown
If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.
Dalai Lama
Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans.
John Lennon
You can’t be sad when you’re holding a cupcake.
Unknown
Life is not a fairytale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
Unknown
It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate.
Dave Barry
Don’t be sad, because sad spelled backwards is das, and das not good.
Unknown
Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.
David Letterman
Don’t settle for what life gives you; make life better and build something.
Ashton Kutcher
There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
Douglas Adams
Life was much easier when apple and blackberry were just fruits.
Unknown
If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
Earl Wilson
I am still determined to be cheerful and happy in whatever situation I find myself.
Martha Washington
A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.
Eleanor Roosevelt
You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.
George Burns
Developing a cheerful disposition can permit an atmosphere wherein one’s spirit can be nurtured and encouraged to blossom and bear fruit. Being pessimistic and negative about our experiences will not enhance the quality of our lives. A determination to be of good cheer can help us and those around us to enjoy life more fully.
Barbara Winder
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
George Carlin
To those of you who received honors, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say you, too, can be president of the United States.
George W. Bush
When we do the best we can, we never know what miracle is wrought in our life, or in the life of another.
Helen Keller
Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.
Helen Rowland
Men are like shoes. Some fit better than others. And sometimes you go out shopping and there’s nothing you like. And then, as luck would have it, the next week you find two that are perfect, but you don’t have the money to buy both.”
Janet Evanovich
Make Me Laugh Quotes
Everything you have in your life today you have attracted to yourself by the person you are, by the way you think. You can change your life because you can change the person you are. You can change your thoughts that you think.
Brian Tracy
According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man’s best friend is his dog.
Jay Leno
Even in life, it is wise to find good people and experiences, instead of complaining about the bad ones; while keeping in mind that even the good experiences will not last forever.
D. S. Pandit
Americans are incredibly inpatient. Someone once said that the shortest period of time in America is the time between when the light turns green and when you hear the first horn honk.
Jim Rohn
Have you ever listened to someone for awhile and wondered….. Who ties your shoelaces for you?
You only realise you messed up, when they as you messed up 2 hours later.