Funny Life Quotes And Sayings To Make You Laugh

Need a good laugh? Our amazing list of funny life quotes and funny sayings will make you laugh out loud.

Laughing helps keep stress levels down, lowers your blood pressure, and makes you feel good.

Having a positive attitude and thinking positive allows you to approach bad times more productively, and having a good laugh helps put your mindset on the right path.

Funny Life Quotes

Reading funny quotes will motivate you to get moving and be happier.

Accept the good and the bad in your life, and enjoy some humorous quotes.

After you are done, please see our collection of Inspirational Ram Dass Quotes.

Funny Quotes

I tried to be normal once. Worst two minutes of my life.

I tried to be normal once. Worst two minutes of my life.

Unknown
Some days I amaze myself. Other days I put my keys in the fridge.

Some days I amaze myself. Other days I put my keys in the fridge.

Unknown

Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.

Unknown

Related Reading: 60 Cute Life Quotes

You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not an avocado.

Unknown

Taking naps sounds so childish. I prefer to call them horizontal life pauses.

Unknown
When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.

When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.

Cathy Guisewite

Don’t take life too seriously. You’ll never get out of it alive. 

Elbert Hubbard

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Abraham Lincoln

I won’t quit but I will cuss the whole time.

Unknown

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

Winston S Churchill

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

Mark Twain

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Alan Dundes

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

Rodney Dangerfield

Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.

Albert Einstein

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Funny Life Quotes

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. 

Lily Tomlin
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

Jim Carey
If I cut you off, chances are, you handed me the scissors.

If I cut you off, chances are, you handed me the scissors.

Unknown

War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.

Ambrose Bierce

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.

Andy Rooney

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

Woody Allen

You know what I like most about people? Pets.

Jarod Kintz

If size really mattered, the elephant would be the king of the jungle.

Unknown

Life is like a roll of toilet paper; hopefully long and useful, but it always ends at the wrong moment. 

Rudyh

“Never trust people who smile constantly. They’re either selling something or not very bright.

Laurell K. Hamilton

Every time you are able to find humor in a difficult situation, you win.

Unknown

You attract what you fear.’ Oh my God, I’m scared of $10.6 Billion.

Unknown

If A is success in life, then A is equal to X plus Y plus Z. Work is X; Y is play; and Z – keeping your mouth shut.

Albert Einstein

Funny Sayings

Life is the art of drawing without an eraser.

Unknown
A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often.
Casual woman thinking and looking pensive on retro vintage background. Brunette girl looking up and holding cup of coffee.

A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often.

Oliver Herford

Life status: currently holding it all together with one bobby pin.

Unknown

At every party there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.

Ann Landers

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

Mark Twain

I love deadlines, I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

Douglas Adams
If you fall, I'll be there.
Slate texture vinyl flooring a popular choice for modern kitchens and bathrooms

If you fall, I’ll be there.

Floor

Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.

Benjamin Franklin

You may not always end up where you thought you were going, But you will always end up where you were meant to be.

Jessica Taylor

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

Winston S Churchill

Story of my life: I knew better but I did it anyway.

Unknown

Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.

Betty White

Quotes To Make You Laugh

But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.

Carl Sagan

Hold on, I’ve gotta overthink about it.

Unknown

He who laughs last didn’t get the joke.

Charles de Gaulle

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile from them, and you’ll have their shoes.

Jack Handey

I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.

Charles Lamb

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Phyllis Diller

The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs…one step at a time.

Joe Girard

High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead.

Christopher Morley

My alone time is sometimes for your safety.

Unknown

Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.

Groucho Marx

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.

Rodney Dangerfield

Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead.

Charles Bukowski

I’m too drunk to taste this chicken.

Colonel Sanders

Some days you eat salads and go to the gym, some days you eat cupcakes and refuse to put on pants. Its called balance.

Unknown​

Two wrongs don’t make a right, but they make a good excuse.

Thomas Stephen Szasz

The best things in life will either make you fat, drunk, or pregnant.

Unknown

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: ‘Duh.

Conan O’Brien

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.

Albert Einstein

Stop worrying about the world ending today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia.

Charles M. Schulz

Life Quotes

If you can’t live without me, why aren’t you dead already?

Cynthia Heimel

No matter how big a hammer you use, you can’t pound common sense into stupid people.”

Unknown​

If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.

Dalai Lama

Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans.

John Lennon

You can’t be sad when you’re holding a cupcake.

Unknown

Life is not a fairytale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.

Unknown

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate.

Dave Barry

Don’t be sad, because sad spelled backwards is das, and das not good.

Unknown

Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.

David Letterman

Don’t settle for what life gives you; make life better and build something.

Ashton Kutcher

There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

Douglas Adams

Life was much easier when apple and blackberry were just fruits.

Unknown​

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Earl Wilson

I am still determined to be cheerful and happy in whatever situation I find myself.

Martha Washington

A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.

Eleanor Roosevelt

You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.

George Burns

Developing a cheerful disposition can permit an atmosphere wherein one’s spirit can be nurtured and encouraged to blossom and bear fruit. Being pessimistic and negative about our experiences will not enhance the quality of our lives. A determination to be of good cheer can help us and those around us to enjoy life more fully.

Barbara Winder

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

George Carlin

To those of you who received honors, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say you, too, can be president of the United States.

George W. Bush

When we do the best we can, we never know what miracle is wrought in our life, or in the life of another.

Helen Keller

Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.

Helen Rowland

Men are like shoes. Some fit better than others. And sometimes you go out shopping and there’s nothing you like. And then, as luck would have it, the next week you find two that are perfect, but you don’t have the money to buy both.”

Janet Evanovich

Make Me Laugh Quotes

Everything you have in your life today you have attracted to yourself by the person you are, by the way you think. You can change your life because you can change the person you are. You can change your thoughts that you think.

Brian Tracy

According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man’s best friend is his dog.

Jay Leno

Even in life, it is wise to find good people and experiences, instead of complaining about the bad ones; while keeping in mind that even the good experiences will not last forever.

D. S. Pandit

Americans are incredibly inpatient. Someone once said that the shortest period of time in America is the time between when the light turns green and when you hear the first horn honk.

Jim Rohn

Have you ever listened to someone for awhile and wondered….. Who ties your shoelaces for you?

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